Monday, May 31, 2010
Feelings
Emptiness is the unsettling in my chest that I cannot shake. I can distract myself from it for a time, but it always remains.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
The Midnight Reflection
I live two lives, but they are on the verge of converging.
I have problems. Problems with Christianity. Problems with my parents. Problems with having a relationship with God. And until I resolved them, or at least came to an agreement with them, conversed about how we could live together harmoniously, I couldn't move forward. They were blocking the door with their gigantic mass; their monstrous girth prevented any progress in the realm of spirituality. I was stuck, not moving anywhere, trying to live a life that acts like it doesn't need to leave but has to. It must walk out that door guarded by the problems. My life was filled with anything that would distract me from the fact that I couldn't go anywhere in my spiritual life, if there is such a phrase. My life ate friends and their laughter, films and their plotlines, school and its homework, driving around and the wind and music and the sky that make me forget about everything except what I'm feeling. My life ate all those things, becoming a monster of consumption that wanted something to fill its stomach, as long as that something was anything but the one thing it really needed. So it became an obese sweet tooth of a life, glancing at those huge problems guarding the door every once in a while.
But tonight, I realized that the problems are not that big. They can be resolved. They can be dealt with. I just chose not to.
I want to be my own person--okay, cool. Well done. Nice. Way to want to be yourself and not someone else. That's what you need to do.
I want my relationship with God to exist because I want it to, not because I was brainwashed into having one, or because someone else made me have it--again, nice. Give yourself the time and space you need, then pick it back up and run.
I don't want to be my parents--you don't have to be. You can be around them and not be them. You can tell them things and not have them adopt your life into theirs.
These problems weighed me down for a year and a half. I think I fix things in my life when I can see the end in sight. Somehow, when I know that the end is inevitable and impending, something turns on inside me, and I feel free from whatever was holding me back.
I have the problem of thinking that my life means more than it actually does.
I have problems. Problems with Christianity. Problems with my parents. Problems with having a relationship with God. And until I resolved them, or at least came to an agreement with them, conversed about how we could live together harmoniously, I couldn't move forward. They were blocking the door with their gigantic mass; their monstrous girth prevented any progress in the realm of spirituality. I was stuck, not moving anywhere, trying to live a life that acts like it doesn't need to leave but has to. It must walk out that door guarded by the problems. My life was filled with anything that would distract me from the fact that I couldn't go anywhere in my spiritual life, if there is such a phrase. My life ate friends and their laughter, films and their plotlines, school and its homework, driving around and the wind and music and the sky that make me forget about everything except what I'm feeling. My life ate all those things, becoming a monster of consumption that wanted something to fill its stomach, as long as that something was anything but the one thing it really needed. So it became an obese sweet tooth of a life, glancing at those huge problems guarding the door every once in a while.
But tonight, I realized that the problems are not that big. They can be resolved. They can be dealt with. I just chose not to.
I want to be my own person--okay, cool. Well done. Nice. Way to want to be yourself and not someone else. That's what you need to do.
I want my relationship with God to exist because I want it to, not because I was brainwashed into having one, or because someone else made me have it--again, nice. Give yourself the time and space you need, then pick it back up and run.
I don't want to be my parents--you don't have to be. You can be around them and not be them. You can tell them things and not have them adopt your life into theirs.
These problems weighed me down for a year and a half. I think I fix things in my life when I can see the end in sight. Somehow, when I know that the end is inevitable and impending, something turns on inside me, and I feel free from whatever was holding me back.
I have the problem of thinking that my life means more than it actually does.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Lvoe
A heart shouldn't long like this. It isn't safe. I don't even know what for. I might go love someone and hurt them. Is this God? I don't know. I just need to be around someone who loves me, if only for a little while. Whose love I appreciate and desire.
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