I remember the first week in this room. Mihir couldn't stay in the dorm because he had not gotten some vaccination that escapes my memory. So I was here in this big little world of unfamiliarity and aloneness, trying to fall asleep but the loud air conditioner kept me awake. Everything was new and exciting and yet simultaneously absolutely terrifying.
This room lost something when Mihir left. Even though he was slowly dying, I felt like I was finally living during that first semester. I was having new experiences that I will always remember, experiences linked to Radiohead's OK Computer album, the smell of the stairwell in the middle of our hall, the 7-11 on Treadaway and North 13th, the Leaf, the sidewalk outside the Leaf at nighttime, Hastings, the Rocks, and most of all, this room. I remember protecting Mihir from himself on multiple occasions. I think I talk about him alot, but I can't help it; we were each others' closest friend during the first semester.
I think back to the first week and how terrified I was. I was so scared that I wouldn't make any friends, that everyone was douchebags and I would be stranded. I also felt freedom from the grasp of my parents and wondered how I would be at the end of the semester. Here I am, 10 months later, probably different but feeling the same, still wondering who I am. I would have never guessed that the guy I played RISK with would become my roommate next semester. I would have never guessed that I would have gotten two jobs and become friends with people who are graduating in two days. I didn't imagine that the "cool introverted, reserved, mysterious" persona I created over the first semester (or at least attempted to create) would be something I would come to regret. But I don't regret it. Every experience I have had has made me who I am, and I think who I am deserves unashamed ownership of his history.
I would have never imagined that I would come to a place where I feel nothing for her, a fact that simultaneously pleases and saddens me. But I have come to peace with everything, knowing that my experiences serve the purpose of making sure I do things right the next time, and the time after that. I am a boy, but manhood is poking its head at me from around the corner.
I don't feel any different from the boy who slept in room 317 for the first time 10 months ago, yet I know I am not the same person anymore. I am more mature, slightly more self-confident, more aware of my needs and desires. I am less naive, less musically challenged, less scared.
I want to write this great piece about my freshman year, something grand, poetic, and profound. But I really don't think I am capable of greatness. I can only capture several thoughts that are flying through my head and put them in print. So excuse the following cliches and triteness. I learned much during my freshman year. I made great friends who I hope will be in my life forever but I know that probably won't happen. I had experiences that taught me how to act correctly in the future when similar situations arise. I felt so much, and I gave less than I took. My greatest regret is how much I let the past dictate the present. But as I sit here, I know that I am loved, that I am valuable, that I love others and that I have a presence in the world. And that knowledge is something I would never trade for anything.
Goodbye Mabee Hall, room 317. The memories you housed will remain forever, but you are no longer mine. Be as good to those who follow as you were to me.
