Have you ever read something you wrote years after you wrote it and wondered, "why did I write this?" or "who was I when I wrote this?" I asked those questions after discovering my old blog (so I guess the writings on this blog will, one day, become equally resented). I found the postings, and they were full of ideas, questions, declarations, all about God. I look back and vaguely remember a person who was consumed with God, but that unfamiliar. It is like looking down a long hallway and seeing someone at the other end, only to realize that a mirror is reflecting your image, but you don't recognize it. I don't know-I just tried to make up an illustration to sound smart and to communicate my point, but I don't think either goal was achieved.
Anyway, I left those readings feeling a little bit embarrassed and little bit curious. First, I assumed that the things I was writing were true when I wrote them. And with that, I assumed that my beliefs, my longings were juvenile. I tend to think of most things in my past as immature and not filled with the knowledge I have now. So, that ultimately leads me to the slightly frightening conclusion that I will eventually think the things important to me now, the things I think about currently, are all unworthy of consideration at that point in time. So what am I supposed to do about that? What am I supposed to do about the things I wrote on my blog long ago? Should I experience life, only to look back on it with embarrassment? What is the alternative, because I don't like how that has turned out thus far.
I guess the only thing to do is to take each situation in with the consideration of its context. Sure, a person may have been obsessed with NSYNC, but they were ten years old. Their ten year old life was permeated with poppy songs and nappy hair, but that was acceptable and appropriate for that time in their life. If a 45 year old man still lived in that world, then it would not be okay.
We live our lives in seasons, with different events and relationships and happenings pervading different seasons. This, ultimately, leads me to the question: is everything meant to be experienced in a certain season of one's life? To put it another way, is there anything that transcends the stages of life, something like an anchor that will not fade with time, that will not embarrass when reflected upon? I assume people are quick to shout out "Jesus will not fade! He is everlasting and will never change and will not be something to regret!" Well, I have to disagree with them at this point in my life. I tried Jesus (to make Jesus into a type of product) and I look back at that time with the mindset that I really didn't know what I was talking about. How then, can I try to have another relationship with him when the first one fills me with shame? (I am, for clarification, lumping my relationship with Jesus and my feelings and actions that spurned from my relationship into the same category, because I believe they are intertwined.) How can I love someone when the relationship we had fails to bring me positive reflections?
No matter what I do, I end up talking about God when I start thinking about deep stuff. I don't mean to do it. I guess I am working through things and it all ties back to God. Or I just have a subconscious desire to solve my problems that deal with God, church, and Christians. Probably the latter.
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