Dear God,
My understanding of what it means to “follow” You is seriously convoluted and perverse, because I did not figure out how to do it on my own, but merely listened to what others told me. So now I resent anything that has to do with actions involved in following You in the aforementioned sense. It’s so fucked up right now, my brain is. I really want to love You and all that, but I don’t know how. And I feel that any step I make towards discipleship in the form of reading my Bible, praying, etc. is cheap, hollow, and corny. What is going wrong? What am I doing wrong, more likely? Give me a desire to read the Scriptures and an ability to learn from it what was intended.
It would be nice if I could go back to the time when I loved God, even if I never read the Bible or fasted or served. I FELT like I loved God. That illusion made life so wonderful.
No comments:
Post a Comment