College Reflection #3

Today was the most confusing day when thinking about writing a first sentence. I felt both excruciatingly lonely at the beginning and shockingly at home at the end. Things do and will get better over time, a lesson I had to learn from experience.

At the beginning, it was the beginning of Welcome Week and we got into our Mentor Groups (which will also be our Cornerstone Class members). We did the typical ice breakers, and I concluded via my acute sense of stereotyping people that I wouldn't become good friends with any of those people. Great, I thought, in the place where you're supposed to meet friends, you won't. And my introversion slowly expanded. However, there is this guy in the group named Ethan, and he's worth noting about.

Everyone knows an Ethan. He's the guy who tells super long stories when a one word answer was asked for. He's the guy who keeps going on and on about a seemingly meaningless story. He's the guy that makes everyone feel uncomfortable because he's so awkward. Well, Ethan stands out from all the other Ethans in that he knows he's socially awkward, and he called out a part of society that lies normally in our subconscious. A group leader asked a question like "what does God want us to do with our lives/how can we live out loud (the terrible motto of Welcome Week)?" And Ethan responded like this: "Society requires that you be a certain type of person, that person having a specific set of social skills; being outgoing, sociable, able to hold a conversation, etc. But everyone is not gifted with social skills. God wants us to be the person that was made, the personality and traits that we have."

I had never considered the obvious fact that society creates a prerequisite for participation, at least the popular-social-cool-world that the majority of people want to be a part of. Some of that majority are the people who don't meet the requirements. Maybe it was because someone with the worst set of social skills openly claimed them and also exposed "social skills" for what they really are-- a gift that some receive, others have to struggle to cultivate. I don't know why he struck a chord with me, but he did.

Back to the day. I met a girl named Morgan who talks exactly like a girl I went to high school with. I hope she's not the same way that my high school acquaintance is: shallow, superficial, dumb. Morgan's cool. She seems like she would be a fun friend.

We did a few more activities throughout the rest of the day, most of which I remained silent. I'm not going to broadcast myself in order for people to like me, especially people who I don't think are interesting. I'll wait for the interesting people, then I'll float the vibe, like I did with Matt. But I'll talk about that later.

The end of the Welcome Week day was the Candlelight Devo. Going in, I thought it was going to be ultra lame. I was reaching back to my other experiences with candle-and-religion situations, and the Christmas Eve Service immediately surfaced. With that as my reference, I was preparing to play on my iPhone. But as each section of freshman exited Moody in a single-file line while everyone was singing accapella, I felt a familiar yet lost feeling. Everyone was singing the same song with enthusiasm, at least the people sitting next to me. I felt a connection to everyone, like we had something in common. And, as I exited Moody, I saw a line of people (upper classmen, graduates, older people), and the feeling grew stronger. They were holding lit candles and singing worship songs. I saw Jake and Trav and Amanda and Mackenzie and Chelsea and Mary and Christine and Ryan and Carly, all lined up, all looking at me and smiling. As we made our way into the Amphitheater I realized that what I was feeling was love. I felt loved. These were people who I know, some of whom I don't even know very well. But the fact that we have, for whatever reason, been in each others' lives made us, at this moment, friends. But we were more than that.

As we continued singing in the Amphitheater, I kept thinking. Why would all these people come back for this? Maybe because they had a similar experience--they saw people they knew when they were freshmen and they felt the same things I did. And if that's true, they wanted us to have the same experience, the same feelings they did. They wanted us to feel love. And in that moment, while looking at the crowd of people lit by little yellow flames, I understood what it means to be a Christian. As we sang, we didn't have to be seen--we were joined by the song we knew, everyone singing to the same God. We didn't have to be someone, our identities didn't matter because we all had the same one: Christian. Follower of Christ. And yes, most of us fuck up and don't act like Christians a lot of the time. But at that Candlelit Devo, it seemed like everyone was being as close to who we were made to be as we could.

Now, I understand that the experience I had can't be shared by everyone for two reasons: one, I know people who go to the university who are older than me; and two, I grew up in a Christian home. The second point is the most important. I do realize that, because I went to church every Sunday growing up, I learned every song that we sang at the devo, which was helpful because they didn't have projectors or screens or song books. But what about the people who didn't grow up going to church? They were screwed. I saw a girl looking around, not singing, and I felt bad for her, because she was ostracized from an experience because she didn't know the words. How many others felt awkward because they didn't know the words, and everyone else is singing their hearts out? The experience was good for me, but I know that it can't be had by everyone.

After that, we had a Mabee Hall meeting where they, among other things, told everyone to prop their doors open in the dorm and socialize. After that, the doors were open, and I felt the energy to meet people. I actually went into other guys' rooms and introduced myself and started a conversation! Look at me go. But the most interesting guy I met was Matt. He was wearing shoes from Switzerland, skinny jeans, and glasses with frames that look like Ray-bans. I started talking to him and casually showed him my room, because we were standing by it. I pointed out the record player, and that prompted the record test. The record test is the first of two test I have established in my short time here. Between Mihir and me, I think the records we have are pretty solid from great artists: Kid A by Radiohead, Sea of Cowards by The Dead Weather (those are Mihir's), High Violet by The National, and Shallow Grave by the Tallest Man On Earth (mine). I show the records to people, and their reactions are good indicators of what type of person they are. So far, no one has heard of any of those bands (I know, right? Radiohead? Come on). But with Matt, he had heard of every one of them. He had even seen Radiohead in concert! My friend-radars were going crazy. Then, to make it even more exciting, he asked if I knew about Mumford and Sons, a band I really like! And he's going to see them in concert at the House of Blues later this year! I knew then that we would probably be good friends. He told me that another band I liked had done something with a different band, something I want to check out. Things were looking good--on to the movie test.

The movie test is the same as the record test, except with my movie collection. Now, I have a great movie collection, it's just that most people don't watch good movies. But the second I showed Matt the movies, he picked up "Children of Men" and said "this is one of my favorite movies." Right then, I felt like I had found someone just like me.

And yet, I'm kind of hesitating to talk to him again, because, after three days of searching through superficial people, Matt seems too good to be true. I don't want to get to know him more and find out that he's really annoying or intense or (God forbid) a tool. But there's no way.

So, in one day, I went from feeling alone to feeling loved. I'd say I had a pretty full day.

Movies and Peers

I have observed an interesting trend over the past few days that leads me to an insight about the typical movie-watching American male. I understand off the bat that I am not a typical film viewer; I tend to stay away from the mainstream films (I even resent many of them) and veer towards classics and films with reputations of being good art.

Therefore, when at college, I encounter many typical movie watchers. When people come into my dorm and see my movie collection, their first instinct is to examine it to see if I have any of the films they have seen and/or like. But upon examination, their faces become silent as they realize they don't know most of the films I keep in my collection. I had one guy make a disdainful comment when he saw that I had "Brokeback Mountain" in my collection, a film with excessive homophobic hatred and fear. Mostly, people end their perusing finding only my M. Night Shyamalan collection or The Matrix trilogy or "The Dark Knight" as ones they have seen.

This affirms my thoughts that I was abnormal in my movie watching. This doesn't make me sad. No, in a prideful way, this brings me satisfaction. I guess it's elitism, a film-snobbery. I don't care. Because I understand the types of films I like, and I won't change that for anyone.

College Reflection #2

The feeling I get when I realize I know people here is the most overwhelming sense of peace, gratitude, and happiness I have ever felt. I'm not scared anymore.

It's strange, now that I'm beginning to meet people, to think how terrible the first few days were for me. I felt more alone than I ever have, even while everyone else probably felt the same way and was trying to make friends too. But I couldn't escape the omnipotent fear I had when I went to a function and realized that I knew no one, and everyone else seemed to know someone else. I have never been more outside my comfort zone than the first three days at ACU.

But today, I made friends. I found guys on my hall who weren't tools, and we played "PIG" on a miniature basketball goal in one of their rooms. Then the game died down, and we just sat around talking, laughing at a ridiculous "would you rather" book, and listening to Michael Buble (Allen's choice). Then Brock, Cody, and Mihir stopped by for a little bit, so I got to see some people I knew very well, something I didn't expect to want. I have never been in a place where I couldn't go and be surrounded by people I know. I guess I could here, with people like Blaine, Jake, and Amanda. But Mabee Hall is full of guys I've never met (except 3), and I have to learn how to meet people if I want to feel at home.

That's an essential part of the college experience--meeting people. It's like going on dozens of speed dates, over and over, trying to see what people are the type of people you want to hang around. It's frustrating, hell, down right agonizing at first. But then you meet one, then another, and suddenly your in a room of six guys that you consider cool, trying to bounce a mini basketball of the side wall into a hoop hung on the door. It begins to level out.

Sometime today, the lyrics of the song "Promise" by Spoken came into my head. I've never had a song resonate with me so much as this did. It literally felt like the song was written for me at this specific moment in my life. I kept saying them to myself when I felt really alone. And it helped.

(Chorus)
Things will get better this I promise you

And I know that you won’t feel this way forever

Things will get better this I promise you

And I know loneliness won’t last forever

College Reflection #1

As a recently discovered introvert, I have found that the first few days of college are frightening, stressful, and dreadful. Those who are extroverted won't understand, because being with people, probably even people they don't know, gives them energy and a sense of fulfillment. As for me, it's taxing. I hate having to search for friends, scout out and be outgoing. Plus, it seems like the guys on my hall are all bros. My movie collection weirds some people out. If only I can find someone who listens to the Strokes or likes indie films...

I'm sure there are people in this freshman class that don't watch TV or play video games or listen to the current pop music. There have to be weird people like me out there. I hope I meet them soon.

To make matters worse, everywhere I go, I see guys traveling in groups. Either they already met some people and became friends, or they all went to high school together. I could go hang out with people who went to FWC, but, honestly, that's something I want to avoid.

Don't get me wrong, my friends from FWC are some of the best friends in my life. But coming here and exclusively hanging out with them seems like I'm relying too much on old friendships and not attempting to make new ones. I do want to make new friends. Just not with tools.

It's hard being insecure and having your outgoing parents at college with you. My mom has already tried to set me up, help me meet people. I end up slipping away from her conversations just before she can introduce me. I want to find my own friends, to do it myself. If she finds friends for me, I'll feel simultaneously incapable and attached. Neither of which I want.

I wonder when I'll start meeting good people, interesting people. Because I know it will happen. I'll look back and remember this time when I was nervous and move on, because I will have already met people and started relationships. It's the in-between time, right now, that makes me want to hide in my dorm. But that won't help anything.

Literally The Best Post I've Ever Done

There are certain people who create a situation that is very frustrating for me. These people say something extremely exaggerated, but preface it with the word "literally."

For example-- "I was walking down the street and dropped my phone, and it broke. I literally screamed at the top of my lungs in sadness."

No, you didn't. You didn't scream. And what is frustrating is that these people think they are entitled to take the way humans commonly speak and warp it for humorous purposes. I guess more people do this in other ways, but this way is especially frustrating.

I'm so fed up with it that the next time I hear someone say like that, I will correct them. Without mercy.

The First Night

My first day of college. Well, at least living in the dorm.

I don't know what I thought it would be like. Maybe I thought people would be walking down the halls with smiles on their faces, ready to be friends and know each other. Guys like the one's on Jake's hall last year. Maybe these guys are. I just don't want to be outgoing right now.

I hope this is going to be a good experience. The RA, Alex, is really cool. Maybe that's a good sign. But what if I don't have a good experience? Maybe that's enough momentum to get me to transfer to UT-if I don't have a good time here. I have no idea what's best for me: to stay here and major in something other than film or transfer to UT and major in film.

I don't think I'm going to put much stock in my first day experience, because it's just that. The first day. Everyone is bustling about, trying to get their rooms settled and comfortable, and everyone is leaving their families for a long while. It's lonesome for everyone.

It's good to know that, at least, I have friends at home. That I have family. That I have people who want to know me and be around me, even if no one does here. And I don't assume that's the case, I just don't know anyone and feel a little lonely. Hopefully it will pass.

Hatred

There is something about those who so ardently act on what they believe, who know for sure that only their way of living is right, that something makes me feel pity for them. They refuse to accept that people can live another way and be right. Not even talking about religion, just the way they approach life. It makes me sad when they think only one man is the right choice for president and they pray in their closet so that he will win, essentially taking the power of God and neutralizing it. They are right, they have to be. My pity turns to disgust.