Pessimist Article

I wrote this for our school newspaper's April Fool's Day edition. I don't know if it will get published or not. We'll have to wait and see.

Next fall, ACU students will find their daily commute to classes to be a little smoother. ACU plans to up its already high bar and equip every incoming freshman with a Segway, a decision that was almost easy, said President Schubert. "With the iPhone initiative, not only have we successfully condensed the majority of students to a single electronic demographic, we have also taken students' social relationships and made them virtual, eliminating the need for face-to-face interaction," Schubert said excitedly Monday. "This generation lives more in the virtual world than in the real one. With that in mind, we decided to give every incoming freshman a Segway, thus eliminating the fading necessity of experiencing the world through walking."
Others have agreed that walking is becoming obsolete in this technological world. "No one enjoys walking anymore," comments Mabee janitor Rick Steinfeld. "It's boring and it takes forever. Sometimes I just take off in a dead sprint because it makes the trip shorter." Faculty and students agree that walking is a tired tradition that is becoming outdated in today's world. "I stay at home so much because I'd rather watch TV than walk," says hermit and ACU drop-out Jesse Blacksmith. "If ACU had given us Segways, I probably would have gone to class more and not failed my classes."
However, not everyone is on board with the idea. Freshman Adam Simpson started a group on campus that doesn't wear shoes to voice their disagreement. Group members, deemed ‘Hobos’ by dissenting observers, can be seen walking across campus barefoot with smug smiles on their faces. "The sixties had sit-ins and boycotts," Simpson commented Tuesday evening, "an effective tool to communicate a point. Today, we have shoe-offs. Hopefully the administration will see that Segways are as detrimental to human flourishing as segregation."
Despite minor backlash, ACU is excited about next year. “The goal with all our initiatives are to keep our students on the forefront of emerging technology,” said Dr. Jeanine Varner, ACU Provost. “In recent years, the necessity for walking has obviously deteriorated. As educators, we must equip our students with the knowledge and the power to change this changing world. With the Segway initiative, we are helping our students change the world not on two feet, but on two wheels, which happen to be dynamically stabilized and electrically propelled.”