I often experience a feeling of overwhelming anxiety that stems from my fear of underachieving. Since I was young, I have been told countless times from parents, adults, random strangers at church, that I would achieve great things in my life. Sometimes it was in the context of spirituality, but most often it was vaguely intended as vocational prophecy. Coupled with my slightly above average talent in numerous areas (yes, that is narcissistic, I realize that), I've come to live with this smug knowledge, stored in the back of my mind, that I will do something in my life, that I will achieve something worthy of pride, for both myself and others who know me. That knowledge surfaces anytime I do something noteworthy, as if I am one step closer to fulfilling the awesomeness that is to come.
As of lately, however, I've come to strain under that burden. I make films that are good for people my age who are close in proximity to me. I have no idea what films are being made by freshman at NYU or USC, but I assume they are better than the ones I have made. But around here, I make above average films. I made a film for ACU's Filmfest, a film festival for students, and people were astounded that I made such a good film "as a freshman," assuming that I would take that as a complement. I don't. I don't want the value of my work to be dependent on my age. Orsen Wells made "Citizen Kane," arguably the greatest film of all time, when he was 25. Secretly, I have a desire to make a better film than "Citizen Kane" by the time I'm 25. It's an unrealistic, naive goal to have, but hey, I'm young (right?), I can think like that.
I beat myself up because I'm not constantly making films. I think I should be making them all the time, improving my style and skills daily so that I will be making masterpieces by age 30. Truthfully, I have the fear that, over the course of my life, I will never make a good film, that I will never find genuine success in creating a piece of art. I just want to make something from which people can discover truth about life, about humanity, about relationships. I want people to study my films like I study films. I want to be regarded as an artist, as an enduring master of my field.
In the end, I think I'm ultimately searching for immortality. I'm looking to live on, even after I'm dead. I think everyone does this. It's not uncommon. I think everyone in the world is searching for a way to outlast the Earth, outlast life and other people and the problems that tie us down to this confused, confusing existence. This is the internal conflict of the human soul-we are not original or noteworthy in any way, but we want to be.
Like you, the only frame of reference I have is college-aged people in close proximity to me. From that reference, your films are (age independent) incredible. The determination to achieve completely unqualifiable greatness, rather than being content with being the best "freshman," is what will get you there, but as far as the collegiate setting goes, your films are far beyond any qualifying "freshman" adjective.
ReplyDeleteKeep being original. Keep being noteworthy. You are more than most.