Loneliness and Discontent

Am I not lonely anymore? I guess not. Or am I? I don't know. I don't feel that loneliness that I prayed to God to take away. I have guys I can hang out with, I can go to lunch with so I don't sit by myself even if I like it. But I don't relate to these guys. They are who I used to be. I'm not like them anymore. So their black-and-white morals now alienate me when they would have before included me. I'm not like them.

Is loneliness having someone to eat with but not someone who you can tell things to? Is loneliness knowing that we are only friends because we all need friends, and we are the most similar? Is loneliness knowing that you do not belong with the people you are with?

Is everyone lonely?

I think so.

Why is that?

Is loneliness a product of the Fall? Can we no longer truly know one another until the return of Christ, and in that time, we will relearn how to share who we are and how to accept what others are sharing? Or will we even not know how to know others in heaven, when our tears are wiped away and we're singing to the Lamb?

God, what is this loneliness inside me that never goes away. You can't be the answer. You're too cliched. You're too advertised. You aren't real, at least the way I've been told you are before. I think you exist at Whataburger at 3am, or outside 7-11 with Heather. But I don't believe you exist in church, because the members act like they own you. They act like everyone is on the same path, that the Christian road is wide and entertaining, and the way is easy. Fuck that. I don't see how so many average people can know Christ. They know Him yet they do nothing. Do they know Him, then? Do I know Him? I don't know. I don't know. I've fallen asleep with the rest of the world, and we see Jesus in their dreams, buying us things and keeping us safe on the road, because that's all we want from Him and that's what He wants for us. I want to die for Jesus, because I think that's what He requires. But no one dies for Jesus here. We just pray for his kingdom to come as we eat our lunch.

Here's a prayer--
God, if you're there, I wish you'd show me. Show me if you exist in the places that I think abuse you. Show me where you are, because I don't think you're where they say you are. Capture my heart again, because you had it once. You really did. At least, the idea of you did. I guess that's not the same thing. I wanted the love, but I didn't want to give it. I just wanted to take it. So take my heart and give it to the least of these, the ones who need it more than I do. Help me stay awake, cuz I'm falling asleep in perfect blue buildings.